LEEROY: Wazzup, Liam? Have you seen the sales figures for The Fat of the Land�? They�re mental, man! Everybody�s up for it! Everybody�s into The Prodigy!
KEITH: I�m a firestarter!
LIAM (broodily): Shut up, Keith. You�re wrong, Leeroy. Not everybody�s into it. Not everybody�s fuckin� into it at all.
LEEROY: Come om, Liam, we�ve cracked it, we�ve got the rock market, we�ve got the dance market, we...
KEITH: I�m a monkey eater!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith. There�s someone we haven�t reached. Her name�s Edith Stykes, of 33 Church Lane, Harrogate. According to our sales team, she hasn�t bought The Fat of the Land� yet. She�s giving me no fuckin� respect, man! What�s her problem? What did I ever do to her, eh?
KEITH: I�m a chicken splatter!
LEEROY: But Liam, you can�t expect...
LIAM: Are you with me, or fuckin� against me? Are we a group together here, or what?
LEEROY: Well, what are you gonna do about it, Liam?
LIAM: We�re gonna go and see her, that�s what we�re gonna do. C�mon...
KEITH: I�m a donkey-twatter!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith...

(Up in Harrogate, at Number 33, Church Lane)

LEEROY: Liam, this is daft, you can�t just go to someone�s house and...
LIAM: Shut up, Leeroy. (Knocks at door)
MRS SYKES: (opening door) Hello, boys. Are you collecting for the scouts?
LEEROY: Er � no. It�s...
LIAM: Why haven�t you bought our album, eh? You�re showing me no fuckin� respect, lady, no fuckin� respect!
MRS SYKES: An album? Is it a stamp album? That�s nice.
LIAM: Stamp album? Are you fuckin� hearing this, Leeroy?
KEITH: Shall I burn down her house, Liam?
LIAM: Naah. That�s just what she wants. That�s just what you want, isn�t it, lady? Well listen. I don�t care if you didn�t buy my album. It�s your fuckin� loss. Your problem, not mine. I really don�t care, you understand? It�s just the fuckin� disrespect, you know what I mean? Why haven�t you bought it, eh? Why haven�t you bought it?
KEITH: I�m a fanny batter!
LIAM: Shut up Keith!
MRS SYKES: Why are you selling your stamp album? It�s nice for you boys to have a hobby.
LIAM: It�s not a stamp album, lady, it�s a fuckin� music album!
MRS SYKES: You made a phonograph? Well, you are clever boys! Aren�t you clever? Gosh!
LIAM: Yeah � yeah, we are.
MRS SYKES: I�ll buy a copy off you now, if you let me get my purse. You are good boys! (Fiddles for 10 minutes in purse.) There you go. A pound. Or is it a guinea? You never can tell these days.
LIAM: A pound? It fuckin� retails for �13,99!
LEEROY: Never mind that, Liam, just give her a copy of our album and we can nob off out of here, eh?
LIAM: Well, I haven�t got a copy on me! I thought you did!
LEEROY: I never! Look, lady, here�s your pound back, we�ll be on our way...
MRS SYKES: No, no, I won�t hear of it! I�ll tell you what would be lovely instead. It�s the Women�s Institute tea morning at the church hall, you could entertain us with a sing-song instead! You�re such good boys!
LIAM: Er � no, I don�t think so, we�ll be...
MRS SYKES: (Hustling the reluctant band along) Oh, don�t be shy, you�ll be wonderful! Come along, now!
KEITH: Shall I smack the bitch up?
LIAM: Shut up, Keith!

(At the church hall)

MRS SYKES: Everyone, everyone, a special treat. These boys are raising money for the Scouts. They�ve been kind enough to auction off their stamp album and they�ve also made their first phonograph! And now, they�re going to entertain us with a medley of boy scout songs! (Applause)
LIAM:� This is fuckin� ridiculous! I...
LEEROY: Look � just sing, Liam.
LIAM: Shit! �Ging gang gooly gooly gooly gooly gooly, ging gang goo, ging gang goo.�
MRS SYKES: Lovely!
KEITH: I�m a goolie twister!
LIAM: Shut up, Keith!...

Prodigy explains the the title of their newest album, Smack My Bitch Up.

FIRST MP: So. Gentlemen. We�ve received a number of complaints about this � single. They say it�s misogynist, and encourages violence against women. What do you have to say to that?
KEITH: I can see how they might reckon it�s anti women but I don�t see how it�s misogynist.
LEEROY: Go on, Liam. You explain it to the man.
LIAM: Why do I always have to fuckin� explain it?
MAXIM: We keep telling you, cos you�re the brains of the band.
LEEROY: Yeah, Liam. Tell it to the people.
KEITH: S�right, Liam. Make some fuckin� noise.
SECOND MP: We�re waiting.
LIAM: All right. Obviously, I�m not literally saying people should go home and smack their bitches up.
KEITH: No, I am. I�m the singer, you see. Liam�s the pianist.
LEEROY: Penis! Hahaha!
LIAM: Will you fuckin� shattap? The point is, the lyric�s not meant to be taken, like, literally.
KEITH: Oh. Right.
SECOND MP: So why didn�t you call it Don�t Smack My Bitch Up�?
LEEROY: He�s got a point there, Liam.
LIAM: Because � it�s taken from a sample. That�s right. It�s a sample from the Ultramagnetic MCs. There. Not us at all.
THIRD MP: So, if you�d have sampled anti-Semitic remarks from an old Hitler speech, that would have been all right because it was Hitler saying it, not you?
LIAM: Yeah! No! I mean �
FIRST MP: Incidentally, why did you quote from an old speech by Hermann Goering on the inside sleeve of your long-playing record?
LEEROY: Well. Tell him, Liam.
LIAM: Look! Obviously, we�re not Nazis, otherwise we wouldn�t have black people in the band, would we?
MAXIM: Yeah. But we haven�t got any Jewish people in the band, have we?
KEITH: That�s a fair point.
LEEROY: Anyway, Josef Goebbels was black, wasn�t he? He was a Nazi.
MAXIM: No, mate. It was Charlie Parker who was black.
LEEROY: Oh, yeah. I knew it was one or the other.
LIAM: Will you fuckin� shatt�ap?!
SECOND MP: Gentlemen, could we get back to the matter in hand?
KEITH: Yeah, Liam. Answer the questions. You�re digging us in a hole, here.
LIAM: Look. I�ve one thing to say. We, the Prodigy, are wholeheartedly, categorically, utterly, wholegorically and completely utterly opposed to violence against women in any shape, way, form or manner. There.
FIRST MP: So why does Keith sing �Smack My Bitch Up�?
KEITH: I voz only obeyink orders like a good Nazi, hahahahahaha!
LIAM: Because � because! Look! Sometimes when we say �bitch�, we don�t necessarily mean it in reference to women!
MAXIM: Yeah. Sometimes it can mean �female dog�.
LIAM: Good point, Maxim! That�s right. It could have been a song about somebody who � who owns a dog. And it�s a bad dog, that refuses to sit or fetch and chews up the newspaper � and you have to discipline that dog. �Bad dog, bad dog!� you say, and you have to � give it a smack.
LEEROY: Only that�s not what it�s about at all, is it, Liam?
LIAM: I�m just saying it might be!
FIRST MP: Wife battery is a very serious business, gentlemen.
KEITH: It�d be good if all wives had batteries. Then you could switch �em off when they started yapping.
LIAM: Yeah, heh-heh. I mean � er � look! No one takes this issue more seriously than the Prodigy. But no one could think we mean for geezers to smack their bitches up, it�s meant to be ironic!
SECOND MP: Because men who beat up their wives are noted for their wry sense of irony, aren�t they?
FIRST MP: Why don�t you come clean and admit this single is just a pathetic, irresponsible attempt to whip up some controversy?
LIAM: That�s fuckin� outrageous! And if you think I or the band in any way hope to gain publicity from these proceedings, which I understand are being televised live, then you�re mistaken. I repeat again, Smack My Bitch Up�, available in all formats from good record stores, with bonus remixes and gatefold vinyl sleeve, you know it makes sense, kids is...

(Phone rings)

FIRST MP: Sorry, guys. That was the PM. The single�s been banned.
LIAM: Banned? But � we�ve explained, it�s not misogynist, it�s...
FIRST MP: It�s not that. The Canine Protection League are up in arms. All that �bad dog� stuff. If it had just been the battered wives crowd you might have got away with it but the dog people... they�re the lobbying group in this country. Sorry.
LIAM: Stupid... bitches! Doh!...

First Round: Green Velvet Vs Keith Flint

Keith Flint is a streamroller of bad fashion. In his kilt of chaos, he crushes all in his path, even self-styled Venusian Gr een Velvet. Who h ere opts for a shirt-sleeves/no-shirt combo. And head nozzles.

Keith advances to Round two.

Second Round: Keith Flint Vs Tom Chemical

In parts of Papua New Guinea, Tom Chemical is worshipped as a god. Here, though, he just looks like a scruffy man with a snowboard. By contrast, Keith Flint looks ready to run amok in his powder-blue bowling suit and shoes. Strike!

Keith advances to Semi Finals

Semi Finals: Keith Flint Vs Boy George

(On Keith:) Is it a bomber jacket? Is it a Japanese Kimono? It's both! Respect. And look at the pencil sticking out of his nose. Boy George, meanwhile, goes all 'Napoleon' but sadly faces his Waterloo in the form of Mr Prodigy.

Keith advances to Final

The Final: Keith Flint Vs Goldie

Goldie looks strong: Tommy Hillfiger thermal underwear and a puffa jacket made from the same fabric as a lunar module. But Keith wheel out one of his classic outfits: the dog collar, the horrible Sex Pistols Union Jack shirt, and... oh God... a mighty waterfall of greying pubes. Disturbing, but in its own way, brilliant. Goldie is defeated.

Winner!: Keith Flint

And here he is, to collect his "more money than sense" award from the grateful tailors of Britain. And what an outfit he is wearing for his triumphant final appearance. It appears to be a bathrobe of the type worn by Chinese emperors, but - cleverly - an exquisite Renaissance oil painting has been added on the side. This kind of thing could be thought of as a bit over the top, but Keith keeps it "street" by setting off the robe with a pair of trainers. Sweet ass!